So, I've been in Boulder for roughly 3 days now, and the title nicely sums up what I'm feeling. I've been here a few times before to visit, and I'm having a bit of difficulty transitioning from "visitor" to "live-in." I think part of this is because I have not yet had to actually help with anything at all around the house, whereas back home I was basically the full-time housekeeper/nanny. I haven't had to pay for a damn thing yet, haven't been asked to do the dishes, or help with dinner, or anything. It really feels like I have no stake in this place, and like everyone, myself included, is just waiting for me to say "Whelp, I guess that's enough fun, better be getting on home now." I'm really not sure how to break out of the guest mold and into something that feels more permanent. And, sad as it is to say considering how nice K and her mom are being and how important it is for me to get a real job, I'm not sure that I want to try to stay here.

It feels like there's an established family dynamic that I'm not sure if I want to be a part of even if I knew how. K and her mom have a very tense and distrustful relationship, which is completely alien to how I think of families. Neither one of them feels like they have anything in common with the other, and they are both highly critical of one another's feelings, ideas, and activities. I have never seen them make it through a dinner or car ride without taking pot shots at one another, and aside from those two activities they seem perfectly content to avoid or ignore one another.

I guess in the end, I am really just homesick and miss the closeness of my family. I'm going to follow through on my plan to try to find a job here, but if I haven't found anything by the end of July when I am planning to go home for my family reunion, I don't think I will be coming back.